You know the scenario: You meet a guy, he likes you, you like him back. He wants to see you again, get to know you better, take you out. You want the same. Unfortunately you don’t live in the same country. He asks you to meet him on his or neutral territory, BUT does NOT offer to pay your transportation (read: airfare). You want to explore new options, meet him again, get to know this guy better. So you go with it, you give him a pass on being a douchebag and not offering to pay for your trip to see him, and you go anyway. Maybe he is too shy to offer, you think. Maybe he is afraid that if he offers you will take it the wrong way and assume he is thinking you’re an easy prey. Maybe he doesn’t offer because he thinks it would offend you and that he might think you’re poor and can’t pay for yourself. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. Nonetheless, the most likely conclusion is that he is a cheapskate. He probably wants to have his cake and eat it too, and spend no money in the process, on our dime no less, which is even worse.
What men fail to realize is that when they are not behaving like gentlemen, we ladies grow another thick inch of penis. Even though we still may fly out to see him and pay our own way to get there, the dynamics of the lady/gentleman roles start to reverse. We can’t be sure how seriously to take this guy in the long run. If a guy treats us like a toy, that’s what he gets – being treated as a toy. Men fail to understand that we are turned on or off based on how a guy treats us, not on how cut his abs are. Inviting and not offering to pay knocks him down a peg or two in our eyes. It makes us lose respect for him coz all that says is he’s looking at us as a convenient fun. What seems to escape these men is we don’t accept invitations from just anyone. There are only a few special enough that deserve us to allow them to pay our way. If a guy is classy enough to offer, it will set the tone for a beautiful possible relationship. When a guy takes this path, we can hang up our cleats and relax, knowing we are in safe hands liking a responsible, attentive, and thoughtful guy.
Again, it’s not about money or gold-digging. If a girl is a user or hungry for a guy’s money, he’ll know it by the 3rd date (if he has half a brain in his head, that is). This isn’t about that. It’s about a man behaving like a man should behave. It’s about a man being a gentleman, not a self-centered juvenile twit. It is also about us women behaving as ladies should behave, thus creating a balanced union.
Let’s face it, ladies. How many times have you conveniently delivered yourself like free pizza to his front door without him investing anything to reciprocate? A lot, right? And this is from a dude who professes missing us “sooo much”! Time to stop that nonsense. If he doesn’t offer to pay our way to his door, how do we know if he really wants to see us or if he is just another horny, hungry or bored guy, or a guy who had another chick ditched him out? No pay, no pizza. That simple.
There are a lot of “player” A-holes out there who will use us up if we let them. That is clear. If that is the kind of guy they are, we shouldn’t even give them a chance to invite us nor accept their transport offer. But what about those who are not jackasses? When they want to see us, say after something intimate has started, and they don’t offer to pay for our delivery to their door, does that mean they are cheap? Will they respect us more or less if we ask for the ticket when they don’t offer? (Yes, they should be faced with knowing what is expected of them). Is it ok to let it slide one time, two times at the very beginning, while we are still getting to know each other? No, it’s not. That sets a president and there is no turning back. If you start out that way, you will be FREE eats forever with that guy.
Once upon a time, this guy I had the misfortune of liking and whom I thought was liking me a lot too, in the very beginning of our somethingship invited me to spend time with him, to meet him someplace neutral. He did not offer me an airfare to get there. I kept my mouth shut a few times in the past regarding this “convenience” and regretted it later, so this time I spoke up. In the past I did not want the guy to think I was poor or, God forbid, an “Ukranian prostitute” (a generic term these guys use for any girl they fly out). So I asked him about his choice and he said:
“If I were to send you a ticket, what do you think you would become in my mind?” (Code for: “I’m too broke or too cheap and/or too much of a loser to pay so I’ll just degrade you and attack your self-esteem and accuse you of being a whore so you will back off and come anyway on your own dime.”)
So when I finally got up the stones to face him with the wrong move no gentleman should sport, he went on the ask if that was my way of measuring his generosity stating that it only “pissed him off”. Oh no, he didn’t just say that… First, I’m neither a hooker nor Ukranian, and second, no woman should ever feel like a convenient FREE pizza DELIVERY either.
Clearly this guy was saying paying for the airfare gave him right to consider you a whore. That was the bottom line. If he had offered to take care of the organization, willingly without lame sexist insulting remarks attached, he would have become someone who is willing to show his respect and appreciation for woman’s time and effort to come meet him so they can hopefully go to the next level of relationship. He would have been seen as a man coming in peace ready to invest himself, rather than as an adversary and an enemy looking for an easy lay.
Ladies, remember: When a man is truly interested, he makes all things possible. When you make men work for you, boys disappear and men step up.
By Tinka Milinovic. ©2012 Tinka Milinovic. All Rights Reserved