A male reader emailed me recently with the following question:
Dear Tinka, men who act like ‘Love Burglars’ you talked about, make things more difficult for the rest of us guys. Too many women, because of their own personal experiences, start out dating men with the presumption of guilt rather than innocence (especially if they don’t have a good relationship with their father or if their parents divorced because of infidelity). What’s your take on that?” -Single in New York City (44)
My dear New Yorker,
Don’t bag on a woman for her past. You men have a ton of baggage as well, trust me, including exes who are still in love with you, girls you dumped who stalk you, etc. So let’s just leave the psychoanalysis to the professionals and deal with the here and now.
No one over the age of 20 has zero baggage. If you are in your 30s, 40s or 50s and you are still scrutinizing a girl based on what her parents did or didn’t do decades ago, you are playing a delusional blame game not only for yourself but for her too. The past is gone forever and the future is promised to no one. Most of the fear women go into a relationship with is from the way men treat women in general. We have all experienced it to one degree or another. Therefore, all men are automatically suspects. That is just the way it is, and it is not going to change no matter what you do. Yeah, she is going to judge you. But man up, don’t be a whiner. Get out there and prove her wrong. No, it is not fair. This is not the criminal justice system of the United States where you are innocent until proven guilty. This is love, not law. There are no such rules. Fairness has NOTHING to do with it. Accept those facts and go about learning how to demonstrate you are a good person who indeed wants a real relationship and not just another guy looking for a quick sex hook up. Prove to her, through TIME and patience, that YOU are different. Again, TIME WILL TELL.
Time will tell her what kind of guy you really are, just like it told you what kind of woman she is. Time shall transcend you both and both of your agendas, unilaterally. Consistency over time will set her mind at ease. If you take her out over and over and do not try to rush her into bed, even if she tries to rush you, she will see that you really are interested in her for more than just sex. If you call after your date and show interest in her as a person and in things important to her, you will be demonstrating in no uncertain terms, that any fears she may have had related to the past, are completely unfounded when it comes to you.
A girl is like a bird. You can’t reach out and grab her with a rough hand. You will get pecked, bitten, or she will fly away and you will be left with nothing but a handful of feathers. Or worse yet, you will end up with a dead bird. You have to nurture her and show you mean no harm, and be there consistently before she will take the chance to trust you. Unfortunately, male con artists fake being genuine from time to time, so your only way to combat if the girl has experienced this con is again – TIME. No con artist can keep up the act over time, nor do they want to, because their aim is to get laid, and if it takes too long, they will move on to an easier target. If you can wait it out, spend quality time with her with NO SEX and only romance (there is a difference, by the way, but that’s a different subject), you will find out where she is coming from. Similarly she will get to know you are a great and sincere guy, and trust you and open up to you as well.
Yes, it is a gamble. And no, there are not guarantees, for her either by the way. There is no crystal ball. It is a crap shoot on both sides. She is taking a chance on you, and you are taking a chance on her. So, it costs you a few dinners? BIG DEAL. If you want to find love, don’t be a tightwad. That is the price of having skin in the game. If you are not willing to gamble a little time and the cost of some dates, stay home with your adult videos and forget about real love and romance all together. No risk, no gain. Just remember that time is your friend, so use it to your advantage. It will reveal the truth to you every time. Problem solved.
By Tinka Milinovic
©2011 Tinka Milinovic. All Rights Reserved.